Airports of the world request that the traveler make their presence known nearly three hours prior to their departure. We stand in ordered lines, shuffling about the structured parameters of freestanding rope wondering how we, yet again, became stuck in the web of the powers that be. People stare at the backs of heads while smells of sweat and fast food swirl and litter throughout enclosed spaces. We exchange pleasantries with tired check-in clerks as they struggle to hear us over the cries of infants and the shrieks of impatient businessmen. Indeed my fellow fed up flying conglomerate; it need not be like this.
Allow me to elaborate. Using a method of trial and error, I have conceived and nurtured an idea that, I believe, is ready to stand on its own two legs. As a general rule of thumb, airport arrival times that dance either side of the one-hour mark (for international departures) have proven themselves the most time-cost effective. Walk into any lobby and approach the check in counter with a well-prepared smile. This is the most important step of the process, for your smile needs to be somewhere between ‘ I am sorry that you have dealt with the dregs of society all day, in fact, I think your rather charming and perhaps fate will allow us this opportunity, once more, somewhere in this lonely world… and ‘I really need to get through security so I can get the fuck on my plane.’ Her name is most likely something like Cheryl and you apologize profusely for your tardiness. Cheryl smiles that understanding smile and you are both left laughing at the crazy ways of the world. Now, make sure you don’t forget her name, for names carry weight in the artificial womb that is the airport and your still in the stomach my friend. Rapidly approach security (though not too rapidly: read full cavity search) and explain “Cheryl told me to tell you that my plane is leaving and (look around nervously) my family will kill me if I don’t make this flight!” All of a sudden you find yourself at the front of the line. Through the x-ray machines and across to immigration, if time permits stop in at the toilet and damped your cheeks and head with water (though not too much: read swine flew and detainment). Immigration officers require a different measure of finesse than their former friends and there is a reason that they are the last line of defense between you and your plane. As such, they require the correct handling. Approach the line that surely waits, and pause for an overhead announcement. This publication needn’t be a call for you, nor anyone, all that’s required is an emitted noise. Upon the finalization of the message- let fly a slight squeal or grunt (depending on the gender) in the direction of one of the officers. Take note: Cheryl no longer carry’s weight in these parts, however not even an immigration officer would dare interfere with the all powerful demands of the voices from the ceilings. You will be whisked promptly through, having skipped the line once more, and will have surfaced somewhere close to duty free shops and your gate. Move toward the gate, board your plane and fly away to paradise.
Notes for further flight enjoyment
1. Steal the pillows and blankets to accumulate a few sets for the freezing conditions that await at nightfall
2. Befriend a flight hostess and enjoy double or even triple the amount of food as normal.
3. Befriend a flight hostess and enjoy perhaps an upgrade to first class
4. Befriend a hostess and find yourself landing with a smile that say’s “I joined the mile high club.”
5.
hey
15 years ago
